Home > Uncategorized > Ashworth Omnibus of Knowledge

Ashworth Omnibus of Knowledge

I needed inspiration.
Queue Rocky music.

My readership has dipped below the Mendoza and Trudeau lines respectively, and I needed something to get me going again.  If my life was a movie, this part would be where Forrest Gump gets bored cutting grass and decides to start running across the country.

Tangent: Did you ever notice that Forrest Gump, low IQ and all, was good at running and that made him for life?  Running!  I need to find something basic and do it really well.  More on that later.  Forrest was also good at telling stories, but he was really bad at directions considering he was sitting within walking distance of Jenny’s apartment while telling his two hour tale.  I digress.

Recently, while I was at work I came across the word omnibus.

om-ni-bus
n.

A printed anthology of the works of one author or of writings on related subjects.
I’ve finally awoken from my Chris Webber timeout haze, and realized that the world needs my knowledge and more importantly my cutting wit, and it will be compiled here as  The Ashworth Omnibus of Knowledge (AOK).

Chapter 1 – Less is More

It’s March and that can only mean one thing: Jim Nance.  Seriously, it starts this week with the NCAA Tournament (I think they should add “of Champions” to make it have more of a Gladiator feel) brought to you by Clash of the Titans

(no kidding, Liam Neeson as Zeus is sponsoring the NCAA Tournament of Champions).  That means you will hear Jim Nance’s voice starting this week until the end of the tournament, then it’s Masters, and it will continue until the end of football next year.  We’ve only had a two month break from Jim Nance.  There are only two seasons in the calendar year: Winter and Jim Nance.  Let that sink in for a moment.  A tradition like any other: Jim Nance.
Speaking of the NCAA Tournament brought to you by Clash of the Titans, there has been a lot of talk about expanding the tournament to 96 teams in the future.  In fact, here is a Google search for 96 teams NCAA Tournament. Bad idea.  Let’s face it, at 64 teams you already have mediocre teams: Florida, Notre Dame, Wake Forest.  Don’t get me started on Duke’s region.  You’re telling me you want to add 32 more mediocre to bad teams.  You want to add Virginia Tech?  Mississippi State? We might as well have all 347 schools participate in one all-inclusive Mega-Tournament of Champions–including my Alma Mater Campbell University Fighting Camels.  No Thank you.  I don’t want to see Gaylord running the baselines.  Less is more.

By the way, every year we have to bear the rending of garments for the 3-4 teams that “deserved to get in.”  The only teams that deserve to get into the tournament are the teams that win their conference tournaments.  You want in to the Tournament of Champions, you have to win.  You don’t win, don’t feel bad that you didn’t get invited.  It’s like Johnny Cage losing to Kano, but still wanting a piece of Shang Tsung.  Get over yourself Johnny!

Speaking of  “Less is More,” Sylvester Stallone pushed his luck with Rocky V.  Then after destroying the franchise, he tried to resurrect it with Rocky Balboa.  You stopped Ivan Drago in his tracks and ended the Cold War, what more did you want to accomplish?  And was Burt Young cryogenically frozen for 16years?

On a different note,  if you’re a boxer, how do you take a role in a movie, unless you want to make money and are fine with ending your career.  It’s not the Madden curse or the SI curse…it’s worse!  It’s the Boxer-Movie Curse.  Lennox Lewis looked like he spent one too many nights at the casino at MGM Grand when he fought Rahman after filming Ocean’s Eleven, and Antonio Tarver dropped 50 pounds and lost his title after Rocky Balboa.

But the ultimate Boxer-Movie curse goes to…Dun! Dun! Dun!  Tommy Morrison after Rocky V.  Remember Tommy Gun (incidentally a hilarious porn actor name)?  Tommy Morrison went on to win two titles (over Foreman and Rudduck) but then was forced out of boxing when he tested positive for HIV.  Then he went the predictable route of going to jail for guns and drugs.  The Boxer-Movie Curse Lifetime Achievement Award goes to…Tommy Morrison.  Remember Stallone, less is more.

One of the best speeches of all time:  The Gettysburg Address. Only 269 words.

Who spoke before Abraham Lincoln?  Edward Everett.  13,607 words in 2 hours.
Never heard of the guy and  I don’t know what he said.

It’s the difference between a good comedian and a great comedian.

A good comedian can make you laugh, but a great comedian knows when to walk off and leave you wanting more.

Thus ends the Chapter 1 of the Ashworth Omnibus of Knowledge.  It wasn’t the most logical and coherent piece of work ever, but I shall hone my skills and continue to pour forth my wisdom upon the world…or at the very lease, the two people that happen to stumble across this blog on a google search.

The Omnibus of Knowledge is leaving the station.

Until next time.

T@

Advertisements
Categories: Uncategorized
  1. March 18, 2010 at 1:47 PM

    basically, i love you and your infinite wit.
    i don’t know if i want you running across the country. maybe you could play professional chess.
    or checkers. start small.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: