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Christmas in July

You’re reading that correctly.

Avoid the instinct of hitting the back button and marinate in the fact that you’re seeing the word Christmas 5 months before it actually occurs.  And now you are feeling all the joys, sorrows, and pains that come with said holiday.  The presents, the absurd amount of food, the in-laws, the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story, and the crazy (good or bad) uncle that you can’t (but wish to) live without.

This post is double-faceted.  That is there are two facets.  Two prongs?  Double-pronged?  In other words, this post comes in two parts.

And so without much more ado about nothing,
I present to you Christmas in July, or
An Insomniac’s and Sleep Apneic’s Guide to Galaxy.

First of all, there are Christmas in July shoppers out there.  Beware!  They could be among you.  They could be loved ones, family members, husbands and wives (But not children, they like to wait until the last day, hour, minute, hell they’ll probably get your gift right before they see you so it’s probably from Walmart or your attic).  Like Jesse Spano from Saved By the Bell, these valedictorian, sudoku loving, overachievers like to stay ahead by making a list and checking it twice in the sweltering month of July.  The month that is named, aptly, after Julius Caesar.

I happened to come in contact with a certain Caesarian (double entedre) Christmas shopper today.  This summer Santa had a list of 50 things, two (two by two?) of which were DVDs: Glory and Silence of the Lambs.  She was, as previously stated, shopping for her family for Christmas.  She will have to wait for the Christmas cards, or will she?  She probably has an attic-full stored from previous years shopping along with with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.  I have grandparents so I know how that goes.  I digest…er digress.  I was able to procure both movies for her, both of which are excellent and whoever receives them I’m sorry that I’m spreading the news about your gift 5 months in advance to the world (Correction: the 5 people that read this).

And now for the second facet…prong…Caesarian story (let’s face it you thought I was going to say section, but alas, I’m the bigger person for not making that reference, and you should be ashamed for thinking that I would stoop to that level).  And this prong, facet, C-story is totally unrelated to the first.

Today, at 10:00 PM  I played a Christmas CD in Barnes and Noble.  I was tired of the in store CDs that we’ve been playing to death.  So much that the CD player eats them like Cookie Monster and spits out little CD crumbs.  Very quietly and without notice, as the Paul Potts CD came to a close I slipped in the Christmas CD.  It was a Classical/Choral take on traditional Christmas songs/hymns.  The first song, Once in Royal David’s City was nearly inaudible and sounded much like a typical Adagio, so that you can’t hear what is being played, much like a person talking in their sleep.

Soon as the choir began singing more recognizable tunes, people began to ask the questions:  Is that Christmas music?  Why are you playing Christmas music?  Christmas music in July? The rest of the staff was about to kill me.  Take a hearty portion of the Grinch, 2 parts Marv and Harry from Home Alone, a dollop of Ebenezer Scrooge, and a dash of Clark Grizwold (the part where he goes insane):

Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.  We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Don’t let your kids read the crossed out parts.  Oops!  Too late.   Why are your kids reading my blog anyway?  What…what’s that?  What’s a blog?  A blog.  It’s short for weblog.  Nevermind.

I did make one person happy with my late night, Messiah welcoming, Christmas caroling CD in the month of Caesar.  It was a man in our store code name Zacchaeus.  No we don’t actually call him that, I just made it up.  However, he does fit the physical description.  He is notorious for evangelizing people in our store, making customers feel uncomfortable, and being asked by our managers to stop.  We, Barnes and Noble, are the Romans.  And the Caesar joke is now complete.  I’m the Roman Centurion.  Okay now it’s complete.

He gave thanks and praise to me (which is blasphemy) for playing the CD at such an odd time of the year…July is the seventh month if we’re going by Roman standards.  By the way may I state that “dec” means 10 and December is the 12th month of the year.  Something fishy is going on here Jesus.  And don’t give me any BS about adding January (door) and Februrary (purification).

Zacchaeus thanked me profusely for my frankincense and myrrh offerings ( if you’re wondering what happened to my Gold click here) and proceeded to ask me if it was because I was a believer.  I punched 1 Peter 3:15 right in the kisser. Pow! Right in the Kisser.  Pow! Right in the Kisser.  Although I am a believer (depending on your standards), this was not my intention for playing the music.  I’m sure even Pilate would’ve liked some Christmas music now and again, and so I bring the spirit of Christmas to the biggest Grinch of them all (If this last sentence doesn’t earn me eternal damnation then give us Barabbus…I’m not sure what that means.  Okay I lie):

Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.

And thus was the tale of Christmas in July.
At least as best as I can recall from the fragmented shards of memories from my sea horse.
I’m sorry but all questions must be submitted in writing.
Send them to:

Billy Graham
Minneapolis, Minnesota
That’s all the address you need.

Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas, Christmas day

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  1. jeffnearlife
    July 19, 2009 at 8:40 AM

    you should write more often

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