Tyler Ashworth

I’m back, not in full force, but here are some things I’ve been watching, reading and listening to:

Books:

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Music:

Into the West by Pilot Speed
Rise and Fall by The Kin

Movies:

Once
Juno
Across the Universe
Jurassic Park
The Kingdom
Michael Clayton

So our store joined the 21st century and now has a Staff Recommends bay.
Come to B&N at Southpoint Mall and check it out.

On the Move by Bono

“God is in the slums…where the poor play house. These are the words of Bono in On The Move, a book with an un-rock & roll yet inspiring message.”

For those of you who’ve been dying for something new (which can’t be more than 5), I give you not words but pictures.

My new photoblog

Dream in Colors

(or why I had a dream but couldn’t live it…)

These are ridiculous business ideas that might actually work if I had time and money to invest.

1. Porns and Noble

If you’ve known me long enough, you’ve heard this idea already. Sex (or as they now call them “adult media centers”) and liquor stores are the shadiest places on the planet. When you have to tint your windows, or when you have to put up pictures of people who have robbed you before in case they come back, it’s time for a makeover. In one ABC store, they actually have a tape measure on the wall so that if you rob them, they will know how tall you are in addition to the surveillance cameras they have in the store. I can’t say I’ve ever needed a shot of the captain that bad. Arrgggh matey.

Let’s face it. Porn and liquor go together. Why not be able to buy it in the same place? And you shouldn’t have to buy it out of a double-wide or a building that makes a meth lab look reputable. No, Porns and Noble will be the Best Buy or the Barnes and Noble of porn and liquor stores.

Your one stop shop for alcohol and auto-erotic pleasure. And with our excellent customer service, you will want to come back for more. With your Porns and Noble membership card, you’ll save over 10% on all your sex toys, DVDs, alcohol, and more. What happens in Porns and Noble stays in Porns and Noble, until you take it home with you. Porns and Noble. Satisfying people of all ages…over 21.

Porns and Noble is a subsidiary of PornUtopia. Any rebroadcast of Porns and Noble without the expressed written consent of PornUtopia is prohibited. Available in 49 out of 50 states. Sorry Tennessee.

2. Just Enough Gay

Just Enough Gay is perfect for the image conscious gentleman who wants no hassle, flirtatious free shopping. The style of The Gap and Express for Men without blurring the line between hetero/homo. Just Enough Gay offers a wide variety of clothing styles and accessories at an affordable price.

Not Gay Enough?

With our hardwood floors, track lighting, and studio chairs, Just Enough Gay offers a posh environment for you to upgrade your style. Our top rate image consultants will help you find the perfect clothing and accessories to fit your taste.

Too Much Gay?

Don’t worry. We’ve placed enough sports memorabilia throughout the store to make your Y chromosome proud. Still questioning your sexuality? There are over 50 flat screens throughout our store, complete with every sports channel known to man…that’s right, we said man. Round the clock coverage from SportsCenter to NFL Network. You are guaranteed to see a game when you walk into our store.

Just Enough Gay.
For the metro in you that is screaming to come out.
Just Enough Gay.
Because you want to look good but not too good.
Just Enough Gay.
Because X and Y deserve the best we have to offer.

3. Saki Saki

(This idea came from a trip to Myrtle Beach where I saw a Japanese steakhouse next to every strip club. When trying to think of a name, immediately Steak and Shake came to mind, but tragically, as we know that is already taken. So for now, I settle for Saki Saki.)

Do you enjoy the fine dining of a Japanese steakhouse but find the entertainment lacking? Are you tired of the same show? Is the onion volcano not doing it for you anymore? The shrimp toss?

At Saki Saki, we offer a succulent Japanese cuisine, with the entertainment of live exotic dancing. Why not enjoy a relaxing meal of your favorite hibachi style steak, chicken or shrimp, while our Saki Saki girls do the rest?

Saki Saki is a great place to host parties and meetings. Want to enjoy the atmosphere of Saki Saki in your home or office? With our five-star catering service, we’ll bring the food and fun to you.

Saki Saki.
We’ll turn you Japanese…we really think so.

In honor of the birthday of Adam King, and it’s correlation with the ACC Tournament, I dedicate this post to the top 5 greatest players ever to play basketball at UNC.

And the countdown:

5. Vasco Evtimov

I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times he missed a close layup.
When can you ever trust the French?

4. Kevin Salvadori

Not sure if he ever ate.
And yet Gumby could shoot free throws.

3. Pat Sullivan

I’m pretty sure it broke an NCAA violation how many times he was red-shirted.
He was at UNC so long he went from being the last bench player to an assistant coach.
Pat didn’t have to slap the floor to get his job Wojo.

2. Makhtar Ndiaye

The player you loved to hate, and trust me we all did.
Also, attended Wake Forest and Michigan.
Wait, Wake Forest and Michigan?
I knew there was something I didn’t like about him.

1. Henrik Rhodl

The name says it all.
Need I say more?

Honorable mention:

Octavius Barnes -

Julius Peppers who? The real two sport star of UNC.
Charlie Ward eat your heart out.

Pete Chilcutt -

The one-kidney wonder.
First place goes to the oneeders.
Um, that’s the wonders.
(Random allusion to That Thing You Do)

Serge Zwikker -

You name your kid Serge and you’ve plotted out his destiny to greatness.

Pierce Landry -

You are a gentleman and a Rhodes scholar.

Scott Cherry -

So obscure, you don’t know who he is.
Would’ve put him on the list, but it’s already stacked with players from the ‘93 dream team.

Dante Calabria -

The men love you for your three-point shooting skills.
The women love you too.
They just haven’t seen the rug you’re sporting under that jersey.

(…or why this post began subtitled “I kissed dating goodbye but not in the Joshua Harris sense” but veered into something eerily different.)

First of all, I’m a generally awkward person. I can’t read signs, thus I’m no Mel Gibson and wouldn’t fit well in an M. Night Shyamalan (yes, I had to google it) movie. This particular power of intuition works well when relating to members of the opposite sex. Do you hug on the first meeting? When do you progress from the side hug to the full frontal hug?

Second, I pretty much know within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone whether I would want to be in a relationship or not. There are exceptions. My love for Quiznos was not a love-at-first-sight connection, but those toasty subs do grow on you after a while. But seriously…

Another problem is that I have this strange gravitational field. I won’t continue that thought.

If this at all sounds like the writing of Walker Percy or Kurt Vonnegut, please stay on the line to speak with one of our representatives. To ensure quality customer service, your call may be monitored.

For billing, please press one.

Para espanol maquina numero dos.

I’m sorry, but that was an invalid entry.

And so the story goes of a young man who came unstuck in time while typing at his computer, only to find himself sitting in the same chair 30 years later.

Warning: Live the Dream® is only to be used in consultation with a doctor. In some instances, Live the Dream® may cause abnormal blood pressure, fever, dizzyness, urinary tract infection, renal failure, liver damage, and heart arrhythmia. If you experience an erection lasting over four hours after using Live the Dream®, please seek medical attention immediately. Ask your doctor if Live the Dream® is right for you. Live the Dream®…doing it one step at a time.

If you want to be loved,
you have to love yourself and allow others to love you.

So it is written.  So it shall come to pass.
Quoth the Fortune Cracker nevermore.

(…or how a ridiculous catch phrase got stuck in my head)

Last weekend was insanely busy.
On top of my regular schedule of counting money for the evil empire that is Barnes and Noble, I was a groomsman in one of my best friend’s wedding, and I played a concert on Sunday.

The wedding was great.  It’s the first wedding that I’ve actually been in, and I look forward to being in more.

The concert was excellent and I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome.  We took first place and got a spot in the finals.

I’ve been mulling things over the past couple of weeks.  I’m in a strange place in life where I want to be in a relationship, but at the same time I’m constantly coming and going, which wouldn’t be conducive to a long-term commitment.

The end.

(Or: Why I choose not to be Kevin Bacon)

So far, my role in life has been “That Guy.”

I’m “that guy” who used to play in that band but now plays in that other band. I’m “that guy” who used to sit next to you in English class, “that guy” who was eerily quiet and never said much. I’m “that guy” you met a long time ago but you can’t remember his name. I’m “that guy” who never asked you out. I’m “that guy” who made you laugh the other day. I’m “that guy” you saw in the book store, “that guy” who helped you out. I’m “that guy” that was on the side of the road, “that guy” you saw when his car was broken down. I’m “that guy” who writes interesting blogs, “that guy” your friend mentioned in an email. I’m “that guy” who left before you had a chance to say hello.

I channel “that guy” so much that over the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen people that I’ve known throughout life, and they don’t see me or recognize me. Sometimes I surprise them and talk to them to see if they remember me — the more vague and awkward it is the more fun I have in those conversations. Other people completely pass by. It’s funny but I feel Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man. Not that I want to be Kevin Bacon. In fact, if I had to choose between being me and being Kevin Bacon, I choose to be me, although with only 17% of the precincts reporting, CNN declares the race too close to call.

Which brings me to my next point. The two things that set me apart from “that guy” status is my sense of humor (only those who know me can describe it; let’s just settle for eccentric) and those times when I play music.

First of all the humor. All you have to do is sift through the shifting sands that are the comments at the bottom of each post — i’m honestly not sure what that image was supposed to mean but I felt alliteration was needed — to see who gets my humor and who doesn’t. It’s not that I’m more intelligent or funnier than other people. I just live in another sphere of reality, much like George Carlin or Dennis Miller. If you get those comics you know what I’m talking about. Part of it is my extreme pessimism, coupled with my innate sense of the absurd. The things that make me laugh are the day to day absurdities and odds and ends that nobody else pays attention to. Basically, I observe the world and it makes me laugh. It’s why I laugh when reading “Bartleby, the Scrivener,” why I make constant references to “No Exit” and “Myth of Sisyphus.” My favorite TV shows are Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.  It’s the reason my conversation is peppered with obscure allusions and strange metaphors.  On some level I suffer from sort of neurosis.

The other factor is music. I play guitar. I’m not the best guitar player in the world. I’m usually not even the best guitar player in the room. I don’t have the best form because I learned to play by ear, and I was never really good at reading music. I basically play what I hear. And forget solos. I’m more of a minimalist. Still, I create some interesting, and often excruciating sounds that people stop and listen too. My guitar sounds range from ambient to hypnotic to piercing.

A few people have been able to breach the outer walls of my “that guy”-ness (if indeed you will allow me to “suffix-ize” a phrase), but it’s few and far between. Usually, they get me on some level, or they were just lucky enough to meet me when I was off my game. Or perhaps those people need a “that guy” in their life.

Whatever the case, I choose not to be Kevin Bacon.
So take your six degrees Mr. Bacon, I’m returning back to my sphere of absurdity.

(Or: Men and Women are Both From Earth, So Shut Up Dr. John Gray)

Prepare yourself because I’m about to give advice, rant, and contradict myself all in the same post…

Friends of all gender persuasions, if you’re in a relationship with someone and it isn’t working out, why torture each other?  End it amiably and move on with your respective lives.  First of all, it will prevent you from waking up everyday wondering why God, fate, or the other forces of chi (pronounced “chee”) hate you, or are at least conspiring to make your life miserable.  Second, it will prevent your friends from having to listen to your daily wallowing, and in the end they won’t be forced to choose sides.

Okay, so that is a crude hyperbolization (not a word) of my thoughts, nevertheless, you get my point.  I’ve listened to many conversations in which men and women are in relationships that have soured and are going nowhere.  If you seek a metaphor: wheels spinning in the mud, life support, myth of Sisyphus, No Exit, etc.   From my brief and inexperienced life on this planet, generally women seem more likely to stay in a failing relationship to the bitter end, although the more people I meet, the more men seem to be utterly trapped in unhappy situations.

(I swear I’m not writing an article for a magazine.)

Ladies and gentlemen (no, I’m not an emcee introducing the circus), please spare us advice-givers and ranters from the fodder of your embittered relationships.  There are other people out there.  You don’t necessarily have to date or play the field.  Just take a TO (make sure you have enough Chris Webber) and get the hell out of there.

A quick burn for the ladies…

Stop complaining about guys who treat you like dirt, who won’t commit (see Roy from The Office), or just seem disinterested.  That includes those who are perpetually falling for “the bad boy.”  If that’s the kind of guy you’re going after, chances are you’re never going to be happy, and you’ll find yourself man-hating for the better part of eternity, which I can assure you does not endear you to the opposite sex.  There are plenty of men out there who will listen to what you have to say and will respect you, all you have to do is open your eyes.

A quick burn for the men (surely to be peppered with sports metaphors to make sense)…

First, make a choice whether you’re going to be a free agent or a franchise player because you can’t be both.  You can’t be in a relationship and date/hang out/make out/etc. with other random women.  This will not only kill the relationship you are in, but it will create an imbalance in the force, forever screwing future men who seek to date women.  Trust me, for every ounce of “douchebaggery” (if you will permit me to bastardize a term for feminine hygiene, and is only funny if you pronounce with a Scottish accent) that you commit, it only makes it that much harder for other men in their quest to find a meaningful relationship.  The dating world doesn’t need any more Jose Cansecos.

And now for the contradiction.

With all the above said, single people, life isn’t perfect and you can’t always wait for the perfect moment to go after the person you’re crazy about.  Rarely do the stars align, when celestial bodies conspire to ignite the passions of love (I’m not sure where this sentence came from, but it’s probably from straightening the New Age section).  In other words, stop trying to follow the horoscopes and waiting for the right moment or person to come along.  They will either never come, or they will pass by before you know it.

I’m TA and that was my final burn.